Lessons in Kindness and Humanity from a Legal Sex Worker

I often talk about the power of setting daily intentions to help shape our attitudes and behaviour for the day ahead. Although often overlooked, the intentions we choose at the start of the day can lead to major changes, forming or reinforcing mental habits that positively impact on our lives over time. We can use intentions to change the way others perceive us, decide how we are going to treat others, and shape our actions in specific situations. 

One of the daily intentions that I set is to be present and kind with the people I meet. I don’t always succeed with everyone everyday, but I have found that it’s opened up life in ways that I never expected and also helps to reduce my stress and anxiety. I also keep in mind that not everyone I meet will be kind towards me. I’m not living in cloud-cuckoo-land. When people are rude, angry, or selfish, I remind myself that I have no idea what is happening in their world, let it go, and silently wish them well anyway. When this happens I’ve taught myself to pause and ask myself, “What happened to this person?" We are all a sum of our genetics and experiences. The small gap of awareness this gives you is enough to appreciate that we can’t control how other people react to us and makes it easier to let it go. 

So what has this got to do with a legal sex worker? Well I just listened to one of the favourite interviews I have ever heard on the The Tim Ferriss Show podcast. Tim interviewed legal sex worker Alice Little, who works at Nevada’s world famous Moonlite Bunny Ranch. There was lots of wisdom throughout the interview from Alice, who is breathtakingly open and authentic. You may not agree with everything she says but you can’t help but like and respect her. Her compassion, curiosity and kindness shone through. 

Alice Little (photo used with permission from Alice Little)

Alice Little (photo used with permission from Alice Little)

The most striking part of the interview for me was towards the end, when Tim asked her what would she teach to adolescents if she had the opportunity to do a weekly class. This was Alice’s reply:  

“I think I would give lectures about interpersonal relationships and connectivity as it relates to our society as a whole. Why we should be more cognisant of how we treat our service staff; waitresses, hotel concierges, people of that nature.  How we we interact with humanity around us as a whole. How do we treat, say, the McDonald’s worker, or the person checking us out at Walmart? How do we interact with our classmates and our colleagues? What about the interpersonal relationship between the student and the teacher? I think I’d want to talk about the depths and meanings of those different connections and how they can be used to better enrich our lives and our society.

If we are able to change that generational mindset of the youth and get them to put their phones down and sit down and have a meal where they're talking amongst their peers, that’s going to generate new ideas, new innovations, and that’s going to take us to the next point in our society where all these things we’d say we’d like to accomplish within our society will actually be achievable through that unified mind. That cognitive collection of everyone contributing, interacting and working together and forming this unity and this bond. Human relationship is vital to humankind.”

This is what purposeful intentions can be all about. Being present with, attentive, and kind to everyone we meet, whatever their role. Don’t ignore people, or treat them as if they’re invisible. It’ll change your day and often change their day too, and will probably cause a chain reaction and knock on effect on many others throughout the days, weeks, and years.  

 

My books: Overcome Anxiety and Overcome Social Anxiety and Shyness are available on Amazon in the U.K. and the U.S.A.

My Online Course: Overcome Anxiety and Panic Attacks — A Self Help Workbook Course for Anxiety Relief and Panic Attacks is available at a discounted price on Udemy by using this link

Don't Let Anxiety Stop You Doing The Things You Value

A lecture theatre of around 200 students were staring at me in awkward silence. They’d stopped mumbling to each other and were no longer taking sneaky glances at their phones hidden away from view. I was standing before them in the middle of a panic attack.

It had been a busy day and I’d taken a glance at my lecture notes earlier, feeling reasonably confident about the lecture I was going to deliver. I’d done it a few times before, and I thought I had a good handle on the new research that I’d added to this semester’s session.

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Medicating Anxiety: Should I take Anxiety Pills? Pros, Cons, Side Effects, and Consequences

Medication can play an important role in overcoming anxiety, particularly in helping to cope with the symptoms of anxiety. The approach this book has suggested is that we should face our anxiety and fears in order to change the structure and function of the brain, along with our thinking and behaviour. Build a solid foundation, calm the mind, deal with action thoughts and feelings, and take action.  Avoiding situations or tasks that make us anxious keeps us stuck in old patterns. When we do this life can become a vicious circle of anxiety-based thinking behaviour.  Medication can help us to cope at times, but it isn’t designed to change our brain, the way we think, or what actions we take. It is normally used to remove or reduce severe suffering in the short-term.  

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How to be Confident at Doing Anything

 
 

Sometimes we need to give up on things — projects, jobs, relationships, and dreams. It’s important to know when to stop. But more often than not we need to resist temptation to give up when the journey becomes difficult, otherwise life can become just a series of abandoned projects, half-learned languages, dropped out courses, and never realised expertise.

If we want to get good at anything and feel confident about it doing it, we need to keep at it , particularly when it’s difficult; whether it’s public speaking, learning a new language, establishing a career, writing a book, painting, or playing the guitar. We need to (1) practise, (2) apply what we’ve learned in a way that stretches us, (3) assess the results, (4) modify our skills as needed, and then start again at step until we’ve reached where we want to be.

1. PRACTISE THE SKILLS

If we want to get good at anything and feel confident about it, we need to practise. Keeping this in mind helps us to overcome the mental barriers to practice — the things that stop us from starting to learn, or force us to give up relatively quickly. These mental barriers include:

  • Feeling anxious or fearful when trying something new
  • The desire to give up when progress is slow
  • The tendency to quit after an initial failure
  • Perfectionism
  • Extreme self-criticism.

So whenever you’re practising a new skill and come up against one of those mental barriers, accept what you’re feeling is normal, but understand persevering will help you to get past that barrier and on the road to confidently performing a new skill.

2. APPLY THEM EFFECTIVELY

Practising the skills is important, and it’s the place we must start at, but we need to do more than that if we want to feel confident about doing something well. We also need to step out of our comfort zone and apply our practised skills effectively — into real life challenging situations.

In my time as a university lecturer I quickly realised that students hate doing presentations. They make the seemly most confident students quake at the knees. After putting they had put their presentations together and practised in their own time, I always used to give my students the opportunity to practise in front of other students in purposely arranged sessions. Those who practised in front of others nearly always performed better in the real presentation assessment.

Leaving our comfort zone makes us feel uncomfortable, so we need to practise our skills in real life uncomfortable situations. By doing this we can learn to focus on what we are doing rather than getting caught up in our thoughts and feelings. This is called Task Focused Attention. We need to think of uncomfortable and challenging situations as an opportunity to learn.

3. ASSESS THE RESULTS

After applying our skills in a challenging situation, rather than burying our heads in the sand, we need to reflect on the results. We need to consider what did and didn’t work, and what could we do differently the next time to improve our performance. There are some key points we need to keep in mind when reflecting on our performance:

  • Firstly, it’s important we reflect in a non-judgemental way, and remember we are in the process of learning. So we should avoid being extremely self-critical. Harsh self-judgement is rarely helpful and often pushes us in the direction of quitting; discouraging us from learning further. When we were toddlers learning to walk, if we stumbled and fell, we didn’t think‘Well, I’m not doing that again, I felt like a right idiot! I’ll never be able to walk properly.’ So when you assess the results, always keep in mind that learning is a process, and be compassionate and encouraging in your self-reflection. Self-compassion increases motivation and willpower, brings greater perspective, and boosts decision making. This all makes us more resilient — making it easier to bounce back in the face of failure and learn from mistakes.
  • Secondly, avoid comparing yourself to others, especially when assessing your results. It’s helpful to have an expert training or teaching you, someone with a higher skill level, but look only at how you can improve against your own performance. Focus compassionately on your own results. It’s fine to aspire to those who perform the activity better than you, but too much emphasis on the performance of others during the learning stage can have a negative impact on motivation.

4. MODIFY AS NEEDED

The next step is to modify what you are doing. Do more of what is working well and change or modify what isn’t going well. During the presentation practice sessions I arranged at the university, I would instruct the students in my class to write down a list of what went well and what didn’t go so well, and how they could improve. It’s the only way to develop and get better. As Einstein famously said, “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”

After you have modified what you are doing, you repeat the cycle until you get good at what you’re trying to learn. Confidence will follow. The actions of confidence come first, the feelings of confidence come second.

In the words of Eric Bibb, ‘Just keep Going On.’

 

My book: Overcome Anxiety is available on Amazon in the U.K. and the U.S.A.

My Online Course: Overcome Anxiety and Panic Attacks — A Self Help Workbook Course for Anxiety Relief and Panic Attacks is available at a discounted price on Udemy by using THIS LINK