Psychological Stoicism Part 7: The Night-Time Reflection
The Stoic approach to sculpting and transforming your life to make it as beautiful as possible.
Let me start with an embarrassing confession. A few days ago, I was driving home from the station later than usual thanks to a delayed train. I was eager to get home and tackle a long list of tasks before heading out again. My stress levels had been building all week, and I was worried about fitting everything in, especially a visit to my sick dad at the other end of the country. Suddenly, a car on the opposite side of the road overtook some parked vehicles, forcing me to brake sharply to avoid a collision. It was my right of way, and I was, well, to use a good British expression, miffed. I don't want to sound too dramatic—this wasn't The Fast and the Furious; we were only doing about 10 miles per hour, so I wasn't in any real danger.
I'm often able to watch these flashes of emotion—quick rises of temper—arise and dissipate without acting on them. This is especially handy when driving. The years have revealed my values, and getting caught up in road rage isn't one of them, no matter how stressful my day. Nevertheless, on this occasion, fueled by self-righteousness, I instinctively gave the driver the middle finger. Then, as the other car got closer and drove past, I saw the driver: a red-faced, harassed-looking woman with two small children in the back seats looking in my direction. She gave me a wave of apology.
I've replayed this scene over and over in my head, feeling embarrassed and apologetic. If this follows the pattern of previous regrettable behaviour, I'll no doubt be reminded of it every time I drive past that spot for months to come. Regardless of how stressed I feel, this isn't who I want to be. Of course, it's not the first time I've acted out of anger, but it doesn't happen very often. While it's important to have some perspective and self-compassion when our behaviour disappoints us—we are only human, after all—that doesn't mean we shouldn't strive to improve our future actions. I'm acutely sensitive about how my behaviour impacts others. Moments like this are seared into my brain for weeks, months, sometimes even years, so I'm determined not to repeat them.
The Stoic View
The Stoics didn't shy away from analysing their own mistakes and poor behaviour. They were deeply interested in self-observation, self-criticism, reflection, and improvement. They placed great weight on Socrates' comment that 'the unexamined life is not worth living.' As a result, they carefully examined their own lives, admitted any shortcomings they discovered, and took steps to overcome those flaws. The Stoics saw themselves as artists, sculpting and transforming their lives to make them as beautiful as possible.
The Observer and Critic
You can do the same by playing the role of observer. As you go about your everyday business, particularly in your interactions with others, you can observe yourself. While your participant self goes shopping, drives a car, waits in a queue, or orders a takeaway, your observer self can watch and take mental notes on what you're doing and how you react. You can then also play the role of critic, assessing the actions your observer self noted.
Your inner assessor can examine your motivations for acting as you did. It can investigate how you chose among the options available, and as a result, it might criticise or praise you. This should come relatively easily to you, as you already possess well-practised observational and critical skills that you normally use, often with relish, on others.
We are particularly quick to observe and criticise the actions of others. We often watch what people do and, based on what we see, try to comprehend the motivations for their behaviour. Did they act wisely or foolishly? I catch a train most days, and I often observe how people behave when showing their tickets to the train guard. Do they acknowledge her and make eye contact? Likewise, I also observe the train guard's behaviour. Does she smile and greet the person? Does she look stressed or relaxed? I often wonder how their day has been up to that point and whether I can tell from their behaviour.
After considering what you've observed, you might even be tempted to share your conclusions with the individual, but experience will likely prevent you from doing so. We know that most people don't take kindly to feedback or criticism, even if it's well-intended. Some individuals appear blind to their mistakes; others might admit they make mistakes but don't want to go to the trouble of correcting them. These individuals are likely to suffer as they repeat the same mistakes over and over. I often feel sorry for people who don't reflect on their behaviour and reconsider how they might handle things differently. It can save a lot of future pain.
Self-Observation
However, you can decide to use these powers of observation and appraisal to improve the quality of your own life. All you need to do is shift your focus of attention. Instead of only observing and assessing the actions of others, you can observe and assess your own actions. You can, in other words, become the observer and evaluator of your own life.
This, in theory, should be easier than observing and criticising the lives of others. After all, you have unlimited access to your own life. It's far easier for others to hide aspects of their life from you than it is for you to conceal something from yourself. You have to speculate on other people's motives, but you have direct access to your own. You know why you're doing what you're doing.
There is, however, a significant barrier to self-observation and evaluation: Your ego. It can cause you to overlook your shortcomings and downplay their significance. It can also deceive you about your motives for acting as you did. Indeed, we can be so completely self-deceived that it's often possible for us to have a better understanding of other people's motives than our own. You'll be pleased to know there's a Stoic strategy for overcoming this deception. The Stoics understood that it's challenging and exhausting to play the role of participant, observer, and critic all day long, so they came up with an alternative plan.
The Stoic Strategy
As you go about your daily life, you should primarily focus on being present and playing the role of participant. However, occasionally play the role of a kind but objective observer. Think of this observer as a helpful coach who isn't trying to catch you out, but rather a trusted ally concerned with improving your everyday experience of the world. Then, when you have some free time and space for consideration, play the role of assessor.
The Roman Stoic Seneca was a big fan of what he called the bedtime meditation. As the day wound down and all tasks were completed, he would review his day. What mistakes had he made, and how could he avoid making them again in the future? In doing this, he was careful to pay special attention to his more serious mistakes.
In his essay On Anger, Seneca wrote about how these end-of-day reflections tackled all sorts of events that had happened that day.
One example from his writings involves the day he was insulted and laughed at during a party, which he took to heart. What to do next time? He decided he should shrug off the derision rather than take it so personally, and also avoid socialising with individuals who insult others for fun and treat people with a lack of empathy.
Another day, he thought he had been too heated when reprimanding someone for poor behaviour. This annoyed the person rather than encouraging them to change their actions. He decided that in the future, he needed to consider how to deliver his remarks in a way that would help the person rather than enrage them.
On another occasion, Seneca learned that someone had been critical of his writings (a situation I can very much relate to!). His first impulse was to regard this person as an ill-informed enemy. Reflecting on this, he recalled that he often criticised the writings of others, and never considered that he should be treated as an enemy for his opinions. He decided that if he was going to publish his thoughts, he should learn to tolerate criticism better, treating others as he expected to be treated when expressing his views on the thoughts of others.
The Benefits of a Night-Time Reflection
Reflecting at the end of the day has many benefits. The most obvious is that it makes you aware of your mistakes so you can avoid making them again in the future. The Stoic writer William Irvine jokes that you can then move on to making new, better mistakes. This counts as progress. You're never going to live a mistake-free life.
A further, maybe less obvious benefit of the night-time reflection is that you may sleep better. After unburdening yourself of your misdemeanours, you will find that you can drop off to sleep feeling lighter, knowing that you’ve confessed and confronted the day's mistakes, brought those uncomfortable feelings into the light, been fairly assessed for making them, and have been forgiven.
Routinely doing a night-time reflection can also affect your behaviour in daily life. In particular, the knowledge that the choices you make will be assessed before the end of the day can significantly impact those choices.
Positive Reflection and Gratitude
In the reflections Seneca describes, there's an emphasis on looking for and thinking about your mistakes, but I'd suggest adding a positive dimension to your bedtime meditations. You can, in particular, look for the things you did right. Did you make proper use of Stoic techniques for dealing with setbacks? Did you, in other words, stay calm and cool as you found effective workarounds to those setbacks? Congratulations! Did you shrug off an insult? Again, good for you!
Another thing you can do in your evening reflection is to count your blessings by thinking about all the things in your life that are going right. Even in challenging or stressful times, there are always things to be grateful for. This may include reflecting on your job, health, and relationships. Is there anything you are taking for granted?
As the final activity of your reflection, you can think about any positive emotions you experienced during the day. Can you recall any moments of delight or joy? We won’t always experience huge positive emotions that knock us off our feet, so also look out for the less obvious, almost hidden, positive emotions too.
In his book Search Inside Yourself, the Buddhist Chade-Meng Tan encourages readers to look for 'slivers of joy' throughout the day. These are brief events that provide moments of positive emotion that can sustain you through difficult periods. This can be as simple as the delight of putting on a warm fleece when feeling cold, noticing the sun poking through the clouds on a gloomy day, or your first sip of coffee in the morning.
If you did experience some joy, is there anything you can do to experience more of these emotions tomorrow? If you can’t recall any moments of delight, you could decide to do a negative visualisation the next day. This practice will help you notice the positive aspects of your life.
The Night-Time Reflection Exercise
An artist’s impression of me doing a night-time relection.
I'll end with an assignment. Tonight, in the late evening, after all your daily tasks are completed and you're winding down and considering going to bed, do a night-time reflection. This doesn’t have to be a long, mentally challenging exercise. Five minutes is enough, but you can take longer if you want. Don’t worry about remembering everything; it isn’t a memory recall test. Trust that you will remember what is important to you. Think of it as reviewing what the film industry calls the ‘rushes’ of your day. 'Rushes' is a term for the raw footage shot during the day without any editing (their name comes from the speed at which they need to be delivered). The director, editors, and other key members of the crew sit and review the rushes to identify any problems that need fixing. This is similar to your night-time assignment.
Just scan through your day using the following list:
Identify any mistakes, forgive yourself for making them, and compose a plan to avoid making them in the future.
Consider what you did well today. What behaviour are you proud of?
What are you grateful for from today (big or small)?
What positive emotions did you experience today, and how could you experience more of these tomorrow?
Finally
To finish, after your reflection, jot down a score in a notepad rating how happy you feel about the day, using the following scale:
-2 Very bad day
-1 Bad day
0 Neutral day
+1 Good day
+2 Very good day
+3 Fantastic day
Over time, this practice will give you a clear sense of which actions and experiences are most important to you. This knowledge will then enable you to intentionally plan your days to include more of what truly matters. You may be surprised at what makes a real difference in your life.
Now, take a deep breath and put the day behind you, knowing that tomorrow offers yet another opportunity to shape a life you are proud of.